Baxi & Dai Dai
From left to right : Baxi (八喜) and Dai Dai (大大)
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“八喜是在三个月大的时候被我领养回来的。是只特别漂亮的小家伙，初初见面就觉得特别有眼缘，那时我下定决心一定要好好保护她，爱护她。可是大概三个月后，因为家里装修，她第一次离家出走。当时我们出租在一栋别墅里，前后都有大大的院子，上上下下找遍都没找到后，我哭了，像失去自己小孩一样......朋友使招说将她平时用的饭盆放在院子里，也许她会回来。真的，到了晚上，她眼睛发着光出现了。那是我第一次看到她的眼睛发光，我想她应该是害怕了，对陌生人也立起了本能的防备。好不容易，一群人把她抱回来，我当下就决定要帮她做绝育。虽然很多人会责备我剥夺了她将来当母亲的机会，可是与其让她忍受欲望不满或者不巧被人糟践忍受生育等等之痛（可能我内心只是不想让她再次突然离开），我选择了让她绝育。我记得很清楚，做完绝育手术当天晚上，因为麻醉过后，伤口很疼，她趴在我肚子上慢慢睡着的，发出平时挠痒痒时会发出有规律的呼声，我第一次意识到原来动物也跟人类一样需要安慰，需要陪伴！相处的两三年期间（孕期朋友帮忙养了一段时间），我认为她就是我家的一份子，她也陪伴了我无数个一个人孤独的日子，我也习惯了她一直环绕在脚下，或趴在桌子上陪我看书画画，或挨着我腿边呼呼睡觉的样子……没想到三年后，因为家里某位的疏忽忘记关门，她又真的离家出走了，而这一次再也没回来。我不愿意相信，22层的房子，我从22楼的楼梯一路找到地下车库，又从地下车库找到22楼，来回不下三四次，那晚彻底失眠了，哭的好惨！第二天请假继续找，跑上跑下，四处张贴广告，业主群求帮助，再后来很多人都帮忙一起找，一天，两天，三天....半个月，终是没找到。朋友安慰说八喜那么漂亮，一定是有好心人收养了。我也情愿这样相信着！那段时间，我记得很清楚，地铁里哭，半夜哭，很伤心........可是一个月后，噩耗还是传来了，业主群里有人艾特我，拍了一些照片，告知我说他们在小区内发现一只受伤的猫咪，很像八喜，嘴巴鼻子都是血，但当时没能联系到我，所以只好抱回去擦拭，喂食，可最后因为受伤太严重，凌晨走了。猫咪走的很安详，尸体埋在了小区外面的一棵树下面……我想，没能见到八喜的最后一面，是我这一生的遗憾，而没能好好照顾她，也会是我这一生的愧疚。我希望她在彩虹桥的那边，过得安好！” —易咪
Translation (by Phoebe):
I adopted Baxi when she was three months old. She was my love at first sight, and I promised myself to love her and take good care of her. But three months later, she left the house during our house renovation. Back then we were renting a single house with large front and back yards. I looked through every spot and cried as if I had lost my own child… My friend told me that if I left her food bowl in the yard, she might come back. Sure enough, one night, I saw her glowing eyes appear. That was the first time I saw her eyes glowing. She must have been frightened and became guarded towards strangers. We finally took her back home, and I decided to have her spayed. Even though many people said I took away her chance to become a mother, I still decided that spaying was the best option. I did not want her to go through the struggle of unfulfilled desire, the pain of labor, or possibly getting hurt outside. Perhaps I just didn’t want to suddenly leave me again. I can still vividly hear her breath when she slept on my stomach the first night after she got spayed. Her wound was still hurting from the surgery. That was the first time I realized that animals also need companionship just like we humans do. Except for a brief period during my pregnancy, Baxi lived with me for almost three years. I regarded her as part of the family. She was always by my side during my countless lonely days and nights. I grew accustomed to having her always curl under my feet, lie on the table while I read or paint, or slumber right next to my legs… Never would I have thought that, three years later, someone in our family forgot to close the door, and Baxi left home again. And this time, she never came back. I just couldn’t believe it. I searched through every step of the stairs from our 22nd floor all the way to the basement garage. I went back and forth for three to four times. I cried through the whole night and did not sleep at all. I continued the search the next day up and down the stairs. I posted flyers everywhere and asked for help in neighborhood group chats. So many people joined the search, yet one day, two days, and three months had gone by, she was still nowhere to be found. My friend said to me that Baxi was such a pretty girl and someone must have adopted her. And I wanted to believe that! I cried on the subway during the day and at home during the night. Unfortunately, one month later, the bad news came. Someone tagged me in the neighborhood group chat and posted some photos. They found an injured cat around the neighborhood that looked like Baxi. Her nose and mouth were covered by blood. But they couldn’t get in touch with me at that time, so the neighbors brought her home, wiped off her blood, and fed her food. However, her injury was so severe that she passed away at midnight. She seemed peaceful when she left, and her body was buried under a tree around the neighborhood. It is one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t get to see Baxi when she passed away, and one of my biggest shames that I didn’t take good care of her. I hope she’s doing well over the Rainbow Bridge!
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「這世界只有一種鄉愁
是你不在身邊的時候」
——My Little Airport「美麗新香港」
大大是一隻我們大學獸醫學院的實驗狗，學名「中華田園犬」，其實就是廣西玉林狗展隨處可見的土狗，不過因為稍有姿色，和日本柴犬Shiba Inu有幾分相像，於是我們便挾洋自重起來，叫她小柴大大。
那個年頭，在中國學獸醫，學生參加各種臨床外科實驗、解剖、手術、藥效觀察。沒有人普及學生，動物福利這個概念，靠的，全是學生的良心，和戰戰兢兢的手藝技術。而實驗動物要活下來，靠的，全是自己的生命力，和不知好壞的運氣。和大大一起的，還有另外一隻也是挾洋自重的土狗，叫細細，估摸著他們倆是兄妹或者姊弟。歷經師兄師姐們內科手術實驗後，細細沒能撐過去，和大多數的實驗犬一樣奔了彩虹橋。大大卻是頑強地活了下來，而且顏值越發地高。一時間要許她一個未來的人居然多了起來。狗主是師兄，彼時大家有點交情，於是家裡面積不算大，家境不算富裕的我就這樣雀屏中選了。
打了犬眠寶（獸用手術麻醉藥），在迷迷糊糊中，大概三歲的大大被送到我家，開始了狗生未知的另一頁。如今，她終於也是有家有主人的孩子，以後也不必擔心，醒來要被抓去照不知道多少單位倫琴的X光，做小腸端端吻合手術實驗觀察，或者是週末孤獨地寄居在獸醫院。
只是，從小顛沛流離、任人擺佈的大大，和其他養尊處優的毛孩子，眼神看起來不太一樣，她棕黑的眼珠總是幽幽地看著人，很少對人吠叫，但對同類卻是很經常地露出牙齒表示警告。睡覺總是半醒的警覺狀態，一摸她，她便很快露出易受攻擊的腹部向人示好。和她偶有眼神接觸如同閃電，直達內心深處，彷彿我知道她的不安和疏離感，這時候給她一個撫摸，她又彷彿懂了，於是又能睡下。
大大來我家，一直是粗茶淡飯過日子。晚上睡一條毛毯，默默在客廳守著。半夜醒來，有時看到她前腿趴在陽台，默默看著外面高架橋上車水馬龍的背影，不知道是不是也嚮往樓下自由又未知的生活。
2010年底我終於要奔赴遙遠的加州，也要和大大當年一般，忐忑不安去迎接未知光暗的未來。臨行那天，在我出門到巴士站時，大大竟偷偷溜了出來。等家人送罷我上車回家時，看到她在樓下尾巴低聳，不停徘徊。看到母親時，才心定了馬上撲過去狂搖尾巴。聽母親說起時，低頭在彼岸屋簷下的我，默默許久。
大大在我離開五年後奔向彩虹橋。母親告訴我，彌留之際在獸醫院，母親臨走時，大大勉力站了起來，睜開棕黑的眼珠目送多年來相依為命的母親，奮力搖了尾巴一下，作最後的告別。當晚凌晨，大大便再也沒有再睜開眼，離開了眼中只有黑白的世界。
事隔多年，如今依然百感交集，我一家終究沒有給大大富足的生活，她甚至算不上一隻寵物犬受盡寵愛呵護，充其量只能算是伴侶犬，我們彼此互相陪伴慰藉，歷經了生命中酸甜苦辣，高山低谷。
寫到此處，淚水竟不自覺流下。緬懷流淚，到底是因為沒有用盡心思善待她。若在她生前，我已做到無微不至愛護，今天就不會在回想的時候於心有愧、淚流滿面。
願從此以後，我們緬懷那些逝去的人和物，都能懷著微笑，不再淌淚。
「這世界只有一種鄉愁
就是沒有你的時候」
——My Little Airport「美麗新香港」
Translation (by Phoebe):
Dai Dai used to be a lab dog, the official name for her breed is "Chinese Field Dog." Back in those days, all kinds of clinical experiments, dissecting, surgeries, and medical treatments were taught in veterinary schools in China. The concept of animal welfare, however, was not explained. Students did all the procedures according to their own conscience, while lab animals relied on their own will and luck to survive. After surviving some senior students' surgical experiments, Dai Dai was promised a new future by one of the students—my home. Just waking up from anesthesia, one-year-old Dai Dai was sent to my house and started a new chapter in her life. She was now a dog who had her own humans.
Yet unlike fur babies who were born and raised in loving homes, Dai Dai, who stumbled through different places since young, looked different in her eyes. She was a light sleeper who was always on guard. Sometimes when I looked through her eyes into her soul, I could felt her sense of insecurity and detachment. I would then give her a little pat. She seemed to understand and would go back to sleep.
Dai Dai passed away five years after I moved out from home. Towards the end of Dai Dai’s life, my mother visited her at the vet. As my mother was leaving the vet office, Dai Dai tried her best to stand up, gazing at the human with whom she traveled through life together. She wagged her tail with all her energy as if to say her last goodbye. I still have all kinds of emotions thinking about these memories. We didn't provide Dai Dai with a super comfortable life—she wasn't even a pet by strict definition. But she was the companion of our whole family through thick and thin.
All the tears I've shed are, after all, because I didn't treat her the best way I could have. If I could have left no regrets when she was alive and tried all my best to care for and love her, perhaps I wouldn't shed as many tears whenever I think of her. I wish everyone can smile when they remember people in their lives who have passed away, without any regrets :)